February is often celebrated as the month of love, yet many couples tend to split around Valentine’s Day, said Kiana Shelton, a therapist at Mindpath Health in Texas.
Valentine’s Day, with its chocolates and roses and romantic dinners, can add a lot of social pressure to show how much you love your partner. Those gestures can feel disingenuous for someone ready to call it quits. It’s also a time when some people are still reflecting on their New Year’s resolutions for self-improvement, which can include a current relationship.
So, is it better to break up before Valentine’s Day or buy the flowers and wait for some time until after the holiday has passed? Relationship experts weigh in on when it’s best to break up: before the holiday or afterward.
Breaking up before Valentine’s Day
Breaking up is usually not a spontaneous decision but rather something people consider for a long time, said Dr. Morgan Cope, an assistant professor of psychology at Centre College in Kentucky, who conducts research on the intersection of the self and romantic relationships.
While dumping your partner before the holiday appears heartless, she said there will never be a good time to end the relationship except now. There will always be another holiday, birthday, and other excuses to prolong a relationship that has run its course.
Spending Valentine’s Day with someone you do not have romantic feelings for can also be mentally distressing.
“Imagine picking out a gift or going out to dinner when you don’t want to be there, being physically intimate with your partner you don’t want to be with,” Cope said. “Breakups are always going to be difficult, but you don’t have to make it any harder on yourself or your partner by forcing something that isn’t meant to be.”
Social media also has made Valentine’s Day a performative spectacle, creating a “breeding ground for comparison and false perceptions about what it means to show up for the people we love,” Shelton said.
There is immense pressure for public displays of affection, such as buying jewelry or wrapping a bouquet of roses with money, to compete with what others are posting about their partner, she noted. Expectations for luxury gifts and expensive dinners may have people reevaluating whether it’s worth spending time and money on a new relationship or one that is not going anywhere.
By breaking up before Valentine’s Day, Cope said people are free from planning a romantic evening that feels forced and insincere. “You want to be truthful and authentic to your partner, which means not investing emotional and financial resources into a big celebration,” Cope said. She argued that breaking up might surprise your partner because celebrating the holiday may make people believe the relationship is more secure than it is, leading to confusion and possible resentment.
Cope advised giving yourself at least a week before the holiday to end the relationship. While it will still be a tough conversation, it gives each person time to process the breakup and make alternative plans for Valentine’s Day with friends and family.
Breaking up after Valentine’s Day
Now if you’re still on the fence about ending the relationship, Shelton advised waiting until after the holidays. Without the holiday fanfare, she said people have a clearer mindset to process their emotions, including whether the pressure of making a grand declaration of love was what left them uncertain about the relationship’s future.
Waiting until after the holiday also can give people one last chance to show that the relationship is worth continuing. Shelton said that seeing a partner go above and beyond on Valentine’s Day may address doubts and make people more willing to work through their issues rather than end the relationship.
Lastly, some people might break up after Valentine’s Day to avoid creating a mental association between the holiday and a breakup. Shelton explained that our brains tend to create patterns and find meaning between two events. An annual reminder of the breakup can make it seem like your relationship never makes it beyond Valentine’s Day. “Breaking up not so close to the holiday will avoid making this false association,” she said.
Navigating the guilt of breaking up
Guilt is a normal and common feeling when breaking up with someone. “Guilt is a social emotion we feel when we’re around other people or thinking about what other people think of us,” Cope said. While the moment hurts right now, she advised reminding yourself that you are considerate enough not to waste your partner’s time by misleading them with holiday celebrations, which can imply that the relationship is strong.
Shelton said one of the ways to move through discomfort is to acknowledge the timing. “An example is saying that I know it’s close to Valentine’s Day, but that it’s important to express what I am feeling without being pressured to perform around this day,” she said. Being direct yet compassionate will evoke many emotions but using “I” statements to express feelings without playing the blame game will better explain the reason behind this difficult decision.
Ending with kindness can make any difficult situation more bearable. Shelton said it helps to express gratitude for the time shared when the relationship was meaningful.
“If we’re focusing on the discomfort from breaking up, we’ll continue to feel shame and guilt,” she said. “Focusing on the growth and lessons learned will help each other move forward in future relationships.”
Jocelyn Solis-Moreira is a New York-based freelance health and science journalist.
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